Follybuster

2010-04-07T11:23:00.006-04:00

A buddy of mine has his comic strip entered in the Zuda Comics competition for April. "HydeBound is a modern adventure tale that explores one fantastic question: What if The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde was real?" Check it out, create an account (which takes only a minute), vote for it, rate it, and mark it as one of your favorites. Well, you know, if you want to. ;)

Houdini Graphic Novel

2009-06-12T01:11:00.005-04:00

If you know any kids who would love to read an enthralling graphic novel about the life of Harry Houdini, then check out this one, hot off the press for a little more than six bucks and free shipping! Not only is it entertaining and wonderfully illustrated, but it's historically accurate. I know this because my friend C.E.L. Welsh wrote it, and he worked tirelessly to make it that way. Feel free to share!

Missing Link Discovered

2009-05-20T23:36:00.004-04:00

"This is the first link to all humans."
- Jorn Hurum, Natural History Museum, Oslo

http://www.revealingthelink.com/

Sign Obama's Petition for Health-Care Reform

2009-05-20T23:02:00.002-04:00

If you support Obama's plan for health-care reform, you can quickly sign a petition on his website by submitting your full name, email address, and ZIP code (see link below). After you click the "Declare Your Support" button, your info will be accepted. Afterward, you'll have the option to share your own story and thoughts on why the health-care system needs a major overhaul. Although your submission is public, no one will see your last name or full address. Please share this info with anyone who supports Obama's plan. The more people we get to sign the petition, the better. Here's a link to the page:

http://my.barackobama.com/page/content/organizingforhealthcare

Barbie Ban

2009-03-04T18:28:00.005-05:00

He's the guardian of girls, the patriarch of purity, the watchdog of worth.

Meet Jeff Eldridge, a West Virginia lawmaker who wants to ban the sale of Barbie dolls in his state.

If the proposed bill (HB 2918) goes through, it would "be unlawful in the state to sell 'Barbie' dolls and other similar dolls that promote or influence girls to place an undue importance on physical beauty to the detriment of their intellectual and emotional development."

Perhaps Eldridge should try to ban Krypt Kiddies instead (see photo) because they clearly have the potential to turn young girls into Satan-worshiping psychopaths capable of dismembering and eating newborns.

Muddlemucked No More

2009-03-02T16:03:00.003-05:00

During this economic muddlemuck, you're probably asking yourself some of the same questions as I am. Here are a few of them, along with my own answers. How would you answer these?

1. Should I withdraw all my savings and stuff it into my mattress?
No. Storing lumpy bundles of cash in the mattress makes for a rotten night’s sleep. Then again, considering my sad little savings account, there wouldn’t be many lumps. In any event, if the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC) insures bank balances up to $100,000 ($250,000 through December 2009), then why fret?

2. Should I hoard my money until the economy recovers?
No. Since I'm not unemployed (at least for now), spending within my means only helps the economy. According to the "paradox of thrift," hoarding money might help to save some green for a rainy day, but it contributes to hosing the economy as a whole. If everyone continued to spend money as usual (again, within their means), that in itself would help the economy.

3. Should I cash out my 401(k) and IRAs and stop contributing to them for a while?
No. Not even professional financial planners can predict what the market will do, so how can I expect to pull out and jump back in at the right times? If the economy recovers, as it historically does in times like this, then I don't want to miss the boat just when the tide begins to rise. I could be wrong but remain optimistic.

4. Should I plan to retire in my 70s instead of in my 50s or 60s?
Not necessarily. If the economy does recover in a big way, so will some investments, including 401(k)s and IRAs. A bigger issue might be Social Security. Will there be enough to go around by the time people in my generation retire? Only time will tell. In the mean time, I’ll focus on earning and saving as much as I can as the years roll by.

5. Should I start to coordinate some sort of heist?
Probably not, but the jury's still out. For now, I'll have to settle for living vicariously through such movies as The Score, The Thomas Crown Affair, and Entrapment.

As FDR once said, "This great Nation will endure as it has endured, will revive and will prosper. So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance."

I have no plans to retreat.

Addendum 1:

When you have time, check out the following articles:

Guide to Financial Survival (Consumer Reports):
http://www.consumerreports.org/cro/money/resource-center/financial-security-guide/financial-survival-guide.htm

Your money: What to do now (Consumer Reports):
http://www.consumerreports.org/cro/money/personal-investing/your-money-what-to-do-now/overview/your-money-what-to-do-now-ov.htm

Advice for the American consumer (The New York Times):
http://www.iht.com/articles/2009/02/11/business/leonhardt.php

Addendum 2:
Yes, I made up the word "muddlemuck" (muddle: a state of mental confusion; muck: manure or other type of organic sludge). To be "muddlemucked" is to be immersed in the sludge of confusion and fear.

Ass Wednesday

2009-02-25T18:17:00.004-05:00

Do you believe in the story of Adam and Eve? Even if you're Christian, there's a good chance you don't interpret it literally.

If you do, or if you're not quite sure, simple research will reveal that the tale doesn't add up from a scientific or historical perspective. And if you're still on the fence after that, then you're just not very good at researching stuff. (Even the Bible itself has contradictions; see "Addendum" below.)

That said, I think it's safe to say that most people who have even the most fundamental grip on reality do not take Adam and Eve seriously. So I ask: How can you not believe in the tale of Adam and Eve, yet still call yourself a Christian?

If you ponder that question on even the most basic level, the contradiction becomes obvious. To be Christian means to believe that Jesus Christ died for your sins. And the origin of sin itself appears in the story of Adam and Eve, when Adam gave in to temptation by eating the forbidden fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. That is what set the ball in motion. It's the very foundation of Christianity. If that event didn't take place, then sin wouldn't exist. And without sin, Jesus would have had nothing to die for. So if you don't believe in the story of Adam and Eve, then you have no reason to be Christian.

On this day, moderate Christians everywhere are observing Ash Wednesday (I like to call it "Ass Wednesday"), letting their priests smear ash crosses on their foreheads, all in the name of repentance. In honor of this absurd, guilt-based, meaningless ritual, I have only one thought for practicing Christians out there: You didn't do anything wrong, so wipe off that stupid-looking cross and enjoy your life without guilt.

Addendum:

Even the Bible contains contradictions about the story of Adam and Eve. For example, Genesis 1:29 reads, "Behold, I have given your every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree ... to you it shall be for meat." Notice how it states that EVERY tree "...shall be for meat." Yet Genesis 2:17 indicates otherwise: "...but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it; for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die."

Here's another example. As you can read above, Genesis 2:17 states that Adam will "surely die" that day if he eats from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Yet Adam lived another 930 years, as indicated in the following verses:

Genesis 3:6: "And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food ... she took of the fruit therof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat."

Genesis 5:5: "And all the days that Adam lived were nine hundred and thirty years: and he died."

Fasten Your Flap

2009-02-24T16:03:00.000-05:00

If you're one of those smug, smart-ass, condescending, staunch Republicans who have been ripping on Obama lately, I have one thing to say to you: Shut. The. Hell. Up.

You've had the past eight years to gloat in the name of a presidency that has failed this country. A presidency that has made no apologies for ruining the economy and the reputation of the United States. A presidency that has, in short, left a monumental mess for the Obama administration to clean up.

Yeah, yeah. I've heard your arguments before ad nauseam. I'm not alone when I say this: I don't care what you think. All I and everyone else who voted for Obama want you to do is fasten your flap, suck it up, and give the guy a chance. He's doing a great job so far, to say the least.

It's true. No one knows what the future holds. But if I hear one more Republican tell me Obama is going to screw up this country, I will single-handedly spray-paint "Obama" on every Republican vehicle I can find.

Invisible Children

2009-02-21T16:54:00.001-05:00

Have you seen the documentary, "Invisible Children"? It's been out for about five or six years, but I hadn't seen it until my friend Diane told me about it.

The film centers on Ugandan children forced to be soldiers for the Lord's Resistance Army (LRA), which waged war more than 20 years ago against the Ugandan government in hopes of establishing a theocracy in that country.

Since the war began in 1987, an estimated 20,000 children have been trained to kill for the LRA. At least the ones who weren't killed themselves.

If you have the time and interest, you can watch the film on YouTube in 6 parts. Here's Part 1:

My Version of a Stimulus Bill

2009-02-17T15:20:00.002-05:00

Continental Flight 3407: Wielinski House Before Crash

2009-02-14T22:42:00.013-05:00

How horrible it must be for the families and friends of those who died in the crash of Continental Flight 3407. As Obama said in his statement, "Tragic events such as these remind us of the fragility of life and the value of every single day."

In the Air:
Imagine the horror of being in the plane as it rocketed out of control toward earth. What exactly was each passenger thinking in those final moments? You absolutely know you're going to die within seconds, and there's nothing you can do about it. What does that type of panic feel like?

On the Ground:
Imagine: On a day that's just like any other, you're hanging out in your dining room doing whatever, and you hear something loud approaching. Little do you know it's a plane descending fast, spinning out of control, and heading right for your home. Poor Douglas Wielinski, in the absolute worst place at the worst time. It's quite amazing his wife Karen and daughter Jill escaped. I was curious to know what their house looked like, so I did a quick search on Google Maps (6038 Long St. Clarence Center, NY 14032). Check out the photos and captions below.

Photo 1: Google Maps street view of Wielinski home before crash

Photo 2: Different angle; notice contrail (aircraft exhaust trail) in sky (kind of ironic)

Photo 3: CBS News footage I found on YouTube (compare with Photo 4 below using basketball hoop as a reference)

Photo 4: Same angle as previous photo before crash (Wielinski home at right; compare to Photo 3 above using basketball hoop as reference point)

Photo 5: Wider Shot of Long St.

Immoral, Wicked Heathens Speak Out

2009-02-12T18:21:00.004-05:00

Have you seen those Dri Mark pens that use erasable ink? I wish I could erase the stigma behind atheism just as easily.

In fact, why not erase the term altogether or replace it with some other word, such as "nontheism"? After all, in a sense, everyone is an atheist. To followers of Hinduism, Christians are atheists because they don't believe in Vishnu. And to Muslims, Christians and Hindus are atheists because they don't believe in Allah. And so on.

Years ago, even I thought atheists were somehow "not quite right" or not as good or as nice as other people. As a teenager, I remember watching reruns of the 1970s sitcom "All in the Family," thinking Michael Stivic, Rob Reiner's character, was offensive simply because he was an atheist. It wasn't until years later, after concluding God is no more real than a desert mirage, that I realized how ignorant I was.

Since then, society's perception of atheists hasn't improved all that much. Many people still think those who don't believe in God or those who support evolution over Creationism are "wicked," "immoral," or otherwise misguided and inferior. Yet the evidence doesn't reflect this, regardless of the ultra-confident claims of right-wing Christian kooks and even some religious moderates.

If you have any doubt about the moral integrity of heathens like me, check out the YouTube video above. While no one film or other source can present every possible angle, this is one of the best I've seen on the subject. It's titled, "Atheists are immoral—debunked," and all its points support one primary observation: If atheists and evolutionists—much higher in numbers in Europe and Asia—are not as moral as God-fearing people in the U.S. (at least 90%), then, according to the video's producer, the evidence would show a higher degree of "chaos, revolution, immorality, and wickedness" in countries that have significantly higher populations of atheists. However, this just isn't the case, as the video convincingly points out:

Crime: According to statistics from the United Nations Interregional Crime and Justice Research Institute (UNICRI), while the U.K. had a higher percentage of "victims of crime" in 2000 (26.4%) than the U.S. (21.1%), France was only slightly higher (21.4%), and Japan (the most atheist nation among them) was dramatically lower (15.2%). "If most people accept evolution in these countries [U.K., France, Japan], the rates of crime should be far worse."
Teen Pregnancy: "Pregnancy rates in the U.S. are nearly twice as high as rates in Britain, four times as high as in France, and seven times as high as in Japan. In other words, the more atheist and evolution-accepting a country is, the fewer teenage pregnancies result." (Video's Source: Family Planning Perspectives, 2000)
Divorce: According to 2002 Heritage Foundation statistics, the U.S. had the highest divorce rate (54.8%) as compared to the UK (42.6%), France (38.3%), and Japan (1.9%). And according to a survey done in 2000 by The Barna Group (a Christian research group), the divorce rate among members of nondenominational churches was 34%, Baptists 29%, born-again Christians 27%, and atheists/agnostics 21%.
JRS Study: "So it's clear from the evidence that a belief in evolution doesn't lead to chaos, revolution, immorality, and wickedness. This was summed up in a 2005 study in the Journal of Religion and Society, which...came to the following counterintuitive conclusion: 'In general, higher rates of belief in and worship of a creator correlate with higher rates of homicide, juvenile and early adult mortality, STD infection rates, teen pregnancy and abortion in the prosperous democracies.' " (Video's Source: Journal of Religion and Society, reported in The Times, Sept. 27, 2005)
Innate Morality: You don't need holy books to learn morality because decency and compassion are universal, coming from a mixture of our intelligence, our upbringing, and our genes (read an excellent related article in Time). Humans evolved as part of a group—a tribe. Tribes that were composed of people who cooperated, shared, and helped each other had a much better chance of survival than tribes comprised of individuals who didn't cooperate and share. In a cooperative tribe, a selfish individual who didn't cooperate and share would have been banished or ostracized. Moreover, generosity and fairness were also desirable traits in a mating partner, so the genes for these traits got passed down.
Generosity: "In the United States, arguably the most freewheeling economy in the industrialized world, there's no socialized medicine and few easy handouts. But in secular countries like Britain, France, Japan, Sweden, and the Netherlands, there is, for the most part, a very generous welfare system and free medical care."
Personal Proof: The producer of the video says he has a ready reply to fundamentalists who like to tell him they're morally superior because they have a purpose in life and something to believe in: "I have my own beliefs and my own purpose in life. I've been happily married for 20 years and have lived my life decently and honestly without ever needing to consult a religious manual. When our children ask whether any gods exist, we tell them it's a matter of personal faith. But we do teach them that it's wrong to be dishonest, selfish, lazy, and rude. We teach them to be honest, compassionate, hard-working, and well-mannered. Our teenage kids are polite, doing well in school, and never get into trouble. And all this has been achieved without any need for James Dobson's solution of beating, smacking, spanking, and threats of hell. So tell me, what part of this is immoral and wicked?"
Conclusion: "This apocalyptic vision of an atheist world is ignorant and prejudice junk."

You can watch more great videos like this on Potholer's two main YouTube pages here and here. Some titles include "The Age of Our World Made Easy," "Noah's Flood—Debunked," "Carbon Dating Doesn't Work—Debunked," "Creationist Junk Debunked," and more.

Here's to Darwin

2009-02-11T16:50:00.004-05:00

Has it been 200 years already? My, how time flies! That's right. Tomorrow marks Charles Darwin's 200th birthday. Sure, Lincoln is getting a lot of press, too, being that it's also his 200th b'day. And he obviously deserves it. But Darwin steals more of my interest, and I just wanted to throw a few fascinating links your way in case you're interested.

Happy 200th Birthday, Charles Darwin
Many great features in Scientific American, including "A Timeline of Hominid Evolution"
http://www.sciam.com/report.cfm?id=darwin

Darwin's Shrewsbury
His place of birth, home, influence, and inspiration
http://www.discoverdarwin.co.uk

Devolve Yourself
A page to upload your photo and morph yourself into a hominid
http://www.open.ac.uk/darwin/

Professor Richard Dawkins on Darwin
A YouTube video (five parts)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZgdtQD89ug

Bush Orders Marine One Helicopter Pilot to Land in Hudson

2009-01-23T00:46:00.006-05:00

Depression cited as possible reason for bizarre turn of events after inauguration

NEW YORK (AP) -- Jan. 20, 2009 -- A few hours after departing President Barack Obama's inauguration via the Marine One helicopter, former U.S. President George W. Bush ordered the pilot to fly to New York City, then land in the Hudson River to mimic Chesley Sullenberger's Jan. 15 emergency water landing.

Coast Guard and NYPD rescuers, on the scene minutes after the landing, declined to comment about the incident itself but said Bush, Laura Bush and the pilot sustained minor injuries and were transported to Saint Vincent's Catholic Medical Center in Greenwich Village, where they all remain in fair condition.

"I thought it would be fun to pull a Sully," said Bush during a brief phone interview. "At first, I didn't think the pilot would go through with it, but I misunderestimated him. So down we went!"

According to William H.P. Johnson, professor of psychiatry at Harvard University, the former president's behavior could be linked to a form of postpartum depression after giving birth to one of the worst presidential legacies in history.

Saint Vincent doctors said the Bushes will likely be released sometime next week before heading back to their ranch near Crawford, Texas.

www.youtube.com/crackedbuffoon

Cracked Buffoon staff writers contributed to this report.

Watch Obama's Inauguration

2009-01-19T06:03:00.003-05:00

Duty on the Hudson

2009-01-18T21:12:00.002-05:00

If a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, then two birds in the bush are worth a flock in the turbojet.

Well, technically speaking, modern aircraft use turbofans, but the Canada geese sucked into the engines of US Airways Flight 1549’s Airbus A320 on Thursday won’t be arguing with me anytime soon.

It’s pretty amazing that even a large flock of such flimsy creatures can take down something so enormous. I mean, the average Canada goose weighs between about five and 14 pounds, and the A320 weighs around 47 tons. Oh, well. I guess bad timing and a few laws of physics (velocity, acceleration, impact force?) are all it takes to create a disaster. Talk about power in numbers.

It’s a good thing Sullenberger was the pilot. I just wish people would stop throwing around the term “miracle” because it minimizes Sully’s role in the whole thing, not to mention the roles of all the people who worked together to earn the remarkable death-toll score of zero. Yes, I realize “miracle” can be used as a synonym for “marvel” or “wonder,” but many people are undoubtedly interpreting it in a religious context. And comments by public figures add petro to the pyre.

Of course, thanks to Governor David Paterson, there’s the already-historic phrase “Miracle on the Hudson” (catchy from a marketing viewpoint but potentially insulting and highly cliché in the most American way). But how about Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s inane comment during a press conference following the crash? He said, "There is no reason to believe, at the moment, that this wasn't something that we should thank God for that everybody got out safely."

Is he really that oblivious? Naturally, we’re all ecstatic that no one died in the crash, but couldn’t he have given Sullenberger, the rest of the crew, and all the rescuers credit without suggesting there was supernatural intervention? Seriously, think about how thoughtless that was. To say that God or any other mythical being influenced the outcome of Flight 1549 to save 155 lives is to say that the same deity allowed tens of thousands of people to die in previous aviation disasters. And how many people die needlessly each year, and how many millions have perished at the hand of religion itself? Was God angry at all of them?

There was no miracle about it. If you or I had landed the plane the same way, that would have been a miracle. But Sullenberger trained his entire adult life for that one moment in time (see his resume on this page). I don’t believe in destiny, but this is about as close as it gets to someone being born to do something. Sully’s incredible piloting skills and sense of duty, along with the flawless rescue efforts of the entire crew, FDNY, NYPD, Port Authority Police, NY Waterway, Circle Line, Coast Guard, and any others, are what saved the day.

So let’s give credit where credit’s due and leave imaginary supernatural beings out of it.

2009-01-01T12:06:00.000-05:00

Well, it's that time of year again. Like many people, I have my own list of resolutions I thought I'd share with you. Good luck with yours and have a great 2009!

1. Become independently wealthy on eBay.

2. Learn to tell the difference between women who are genuinely attracted to me and those who want me only for my newfound wealth.

3. Sell more stuff on eBay to pay for attorney fees associated with my divorce from the gold digger I married.

4. Learn to juggle fire torches to take my mind off the divorce.

5. Sell more stuff on eBay to pay for fire damage to my apartment building.

6. Take out my frustration by beating up the attorney who was sleeping with my ex-wife.

7. Try to convince the attorney not to press charges.

8. Correspond with a sincere Russian mail-order bride from my prison cell.

9. Get out on parole by 2011.

10. Live happily ever after with my new Russian wife.

Freaky Black Friday

2008-11-28T19:42:00.002-05:00

As my friend Mike likes to say, "The masses are asses."

This morning, that notion was proven beyond the shadow of a doubt when a bargain-hunting mob at a Wal-Mart in Valley Stream, New York, broke down the doors and trampled a worker to death in the name of saving a few bucks [article].

It truly was a "Black Friday" for the 34-year-old employee who woke up this morning having no idea he would die on this day and in this absurd way. And let's not forget about the several others who were injured.

So what goes on in the minds of people when they feel bodies trampled beneath their feet? Do they not hear the cries of those who suffer? Do instinctual urges overpower compassion? Does momentum from the herd prevent them from stopping to save people smothered below?

I honestly don't know the answer. But no matter what physical, psychological, and sociological dynamics are at play, raw stupidity, selfishness, and pseudo urgency were at the heart of today's stampede.

Bigots, Idiots, and Bible Thumpers: Minorities of the Future

2008-11-19T01:23:00.009-05:00

Last Saturday, tens of thousands of activists nationwide peacefully marched in protest of the Nov. 4 passage of Proposition 8 (Prop. 8), an amendment banning gay marriage in California.

Prop. 8 passed because a majority of Californians (a homophobic 52.2 percent) voted "Yes" on election day to take away the rights of a minority of fellow human beings—citizens of this country who deserve the same opportunities afforded every other American.

Needless to say, I'm a man who vehemently believes that all people—except those who pose a genuine threat to society—should be treated equally, regardless of sexual orientation, race, gender, physical attributes, social status, and any other perceived differences. That's why I started to write a highly detailed blog about Prop. 8, complete with heterosexual divorce statistics, up-to-date information about the "gay gene," and analogies to similar challenges faced by African Americans and other minorities in recent history.

So why did I scrap my original blog? Because I don’t need to establish a drawn-out argument to support a point that should be nauseatingly obvious to anyone with half a marble upstairs. Here's what it comes down to, folks. If you think there's something wrong with same-sex marriage, you fall into one or more of the following categories:

You are a bigot.
You are homophobic.
You lack intelligence.
You are misinformed.
You choose to be ignorant.
You are brainwashed.
You take the Bible literally.
You are all of the above.

That's right. It's all about YOU. It's YOUR lack of compassion. It's YOUR limited capacity for anything that doesn't conform to YOUR ancient notion of what a marriage or family should be. This has nothing to do with agreeing to disagree. Everyone has a right to his or her opinion, but your grossly gnarled perspective invalidates your opinion.

Sound harsh? Not from my perspective. I'm telling it like it is. I just hope that someday retrospective clarity will reveal your folly because, mark my words, idiots like YOU will eventually be in the minority, and people of a future society will grin from ear to ear as they shove your twisted notion of "morals," "family values," and "the institution of marriage" up your puckered ass.

- - -

Addendum 1: Many of the activists who participated in last Saturday's marches might take issue with my bluntness because they prefer to stay positive and emphasize the message of togetherness. While I deeply admire and respect them for that approach, I think they're being way too kind. Perhaps the old saying about attracting more bees with honey is true, but bees will sting you if you're not careful. Let me be clear: I have zero tolerance for overt bigotry and ignorance and refuse to give slack to anyone exhibiting those characteristics. If you have the audacity to be a close-minded prick, I have every right to criticize you and put you in your place. I wouldn't even be writing this blog if it weren't for people like you. You make me sick.

Addendum 2: Ballot measures banning same-sex marriage in Arizona and Florida also were voted into law on Nov. 4. I truly believe it's only a matter of time before all of these ludicrous amendments will be overturned.

Addendum 3: If you think I'm gay simply because I'm writing about this topic, you're a moron. This is not a gay-versus-straight issue. It's about civil rights.

Do I care if you care?

2008-11-09T13:58:00.001-05:00

After one of my typical verbal rants, a friend asked me an important question: "Why should anyone care what you think?"

I just sent her a long email in response but now realize I could have answered her question with one simple sentence: I never said anyone should care, and I don't lose a wink of sleep over those who don't.

Besides, my real friends do care, even when they don't agree with me. And it goes both ways.

On a related note, if you're one of the few people who reads my blogs on a regular basis, thank you for doing so, whether or not you care what I think. But let me be clear about something: I write these blogs for ME and assume that most people don't even read them. If you do, it's a bonus. And if you actually agree with any of my opinions, then run for your life because Armageddon must be right around the corner.

In any case, I will continue expressing my candid thoughts at the risk of having fewer and fewer people like me. Not only is it my First Amendment right, but it's also therapeutic and helps to weed out those who have been harboring bad thoughts about me all along. If you're one of those people, then read my lips: Think. What. You. Want.

Toward Unifying Humanity

2008-11-05T06:57:00.007-05:00

What a great time for America.

More than 138 years after the ratification of the Fifteenth Amendment, and only 43 years after the passage of the Voting Rights Act of 1965, we the people changed the course of American history yesterday by electing Barack Obama as the first African American President of the United States.

"It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this date, in this election, at this defining moment, change has come to America," said Obama during his acceptance speech last night.

Although I don't believe any one person can solve every problem, I think Obama will prove himself to be an outstanding leader. This historic election could play an essential role in eroding the walls that divide humanity, opening many doors we have yet to imagine as its effects resonate for years to come.

Why I'm Voting for Obama

2008-11-02T05:12:00.005-05:00

When it comes to election time, we can be sure of one thing: All politicians, regardless of which parties they represent, have their faults.

Nonetheless, I truly believe the Republican Party wrote the book on pettiness, deception, greed, arrogance, hypocrisy, and bigotry. While this might sound overly dramatic, think about what has taken place over the last several years under a Republican administration.

Tens of thousands of soldiers and civilians have died in an unnecessary, $3 trillion war. ("President George W. Bush and seven of his administration's top officials, including Vice President Dick Cheney, National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice, and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, made at least 935 false statements in the two years following September 11, 2001, about the national security threat posed by Saddam Hussein's Iraq." Read more...)

America is in the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression.

The country has lost credibility in the eyes of the rest of the world.

The U.S. national debt is more than $10 trillion, the highest it's ever been.

More than 50,000 Americans don't have health insurance and about 18,000 Americans die each year as a result. Yet most Republicans won't even entertain the notion of implementing a universal healthcare system.

Dependence on the oil industry, a huge contributor to the Republican Party, has not waned.

Bush vetoed two bills that would have allowed federal funding of stem-cell research involving discarded human embryos, which offer the greatest potential in the treatment of many diseases and health conditions.

Most states still openly discriminate against gay couples, banning same-sex marriages and failing to recognize same-sex marriages performed legally in other states.

Make no mistake: If the Democrats had been at the helm for the last eight years, our country would be much better off right now. If the Republicans stay in power, things will only get worse before they start to level off—if they level off. As Obama says, it will be "more of the same." And that's if we're lucky. Things could get even worse.

On a brighter note, if Obama is elected and follows through with his promises:

The war in Iraq will end much faster, sparing thousands of lives while saving literally billions of dollars each month.

The economy is more likely to improve, with tax cuts favoring average Americans instead of corporations and the oil industry. Also, according to Fareed Zakaria's Oct. 20 Newsweek cover story on the economy, "The fear on Wall Street is that a Democratic administration would overregulate. But look at who is advising Barack Obama—[Warren] Buffet, [Paul] Volcker, former Treasury secretaries Robert Rubin and Larry Summers. It is more likely that what will come from their efforts will be a better-regulated financial system that, while producing less-extravagant profits, will be more stable and secure."

The country will regain its credibility through diplomatic leadership.

The national debt will almost certainly decrease.

An effective universal healthcare system might finally be implemented.

Developing alternative fuels will be a higher priority, which could lead to a reduction in America's dependence on oil.

Embryonic stem-cell research could receive greater federal funding on a wider array of stem cell lines, thus helping to save thousands of lives each year.

Women would continue to make decisions about their own bodies because Obama would not appoint conservative Supreme Court justices who might otherwise overturn Roe v. Wade.

The Defense of Marriage Act, which allows states to reject same-sex marriages performed in other states, might be repealed. If that happens, a gay couple married in one state would be considered legally married in all states. To clarify, Obama and Biden oppose any law (e.g., California's Proposition 8) that eliminates the right of same-sex couples to marry. And on a related note, the Obama administration would redefine the term "family values" to include same-sex couples, single parents, and other non-traditional parents.

Liberal Supreme Court justices would be appointed, influencing decisions related to important legislation that protects Americans' constitutional rights (see the entries on Roe v. Wade and the Defense of Marriage Act above).

While I don't view Obama as a squeaky-clean hero who's going to save the world if he gets elected, I do think he is a progressive, highly intelligent, poised, competent candidate who would make a great president.

McCain, on the other hand, is a typical old-school MF'er whose cheap attempts at garnering support with his carnival-like delivery and sickeningly religious trophy slave (er...I mean, running mate) don't impress me in the least.

All of that said, I'll leave you with one final thought. During this presidential race, I've heard several people say they're not going to vote because they don't like either candidate, thereby waiving their American right as casually as throwing a gum wrapper into the trash. If you're one of those people, I urge you to vote, even if you're cracked enough to cast your ballot for McCain. And if that's the case, ask yourself this: If McCain got elected, then kicked the bucket, would you really want Sarah Palin to be the next president? That in itself should scare you into voting for Obama.

See you at the polls!

Houdini Halloween

2008-10-31T13:26:00.005-04:00

Penis Size Linked to Intelligence

2008-10-28T19:57:00.002-04:00

I made a highly scientific video that demonstrates the inverse relationship between the size of a man's "weapon" and his level of intelligence. Translation: A big prick holding a large weapon has a small penis and low IQ.

Dude vs. Prude

2008-10-23T16:31:00.006-04:00

Rachel Weaver, editor of the Sewickley Herald, condemned provocative Halloween costumes in her column last week, insisting that women who wear sexy outfits all look the same—like strippers.

With one part pride and two parts family values, she bragged about the "creative" costume she wore to a family party last year.

Drum roll, please.

She dressed up like her stepfather.

I couldn't resist sending the Herald a letter, which ran in today's issue on page 8. Here's a copy of it. (For the record, the "cleavage-bearing" error is theirs, not mine. It should be "cleavage-baring." And there was another obvious typo, but I fixed it in Photoshop for the sake of easy readability. And they're the ones editing my work.)

Begging to Agree

2008-10-22T20:18:00.002-04:00

This is just too damn good not to post.

John McCain addressing John Murtha's comment about Western Pennsylvania

A "Triple-Dose Weekend" for Pennsylvania Drivers

2008-10-18T20:59:00.003-04:00

Add an "L" and "S" to PennDOT, and you have "PennDOLTS."

And that's being way too nice.

PennDOT, which stands for Pennsylvania Department of Transportation, has less to do with transportation and more to do with exasperation.

Each year, without exception, the department single-handedly taints the summer with an excessive number of poorly planned and slowly executed road-construction projects, inconveniencing millions of Pennsylvania drives with more gridlock, bottlenecks, detours, delays, safety hazards, and barrel-dodging than anyone should have to endure.

And this season had to be one of the worst in recent years. But that doesn't stop the PennDOLTS from delivering a few final blows before they pass the baton to Old Man Winter, who will pummel us with his own icy assortment of transportation woes.

In a KDKA feature story, "Drivers Beware: Weekend Of Road Work Ahead," PennDOT District 11 executive Dan Cessna, in his ultra-annoying Pittsburgh accent, blames the Pittsburgh 250 celebration for delays in road work.

"We shut everything down and had no activities that weekend," he said. "Again, that forced us more onto the end here."

More onto the end here? Ohhhh...kay, Dan. Whatever you say. But that doesn't justify why all three major parkways in Pittsburgh will have lane restrictions this "triple-dose weekend," as KDKA's John Shumway put it.

I think the real reason for this inconvenience is PennDOT's incompetence, which has literally affected the quality of life in this town for years.

Yes, road maintenance is necessary. And yes, drivers in other cities have to deal with it. But other cities aren't laid out like Pittsburgh. It's harder to get around here, even without construction projects at every turn. To get from one outlying community to another, you often have to take one of the parkways straight through downtown by way of perpetually congested tunnels and bridges. Otherwise, you must weave around miles of back roads, adding significant time to your drive.

Look, I realize I'm not an expert in the areas of road construction and traffic engineering, and I understand that PennDOT's tasks are not easy ones. But can't they do any better? Why does it take them so insanely long to complete road projects and repairs? I'm not talking weeks or months. Sometimes it takes them years to finish one project.

And why doesn't a lot of PennDOT roadwork have longer-lasting effects? Some resurfaced roads and pothole repairs crumble to their former state often within a few months. Can't they use better materials?

But here's what I really want to know: With PennDOT spending so much time and money on so many projects, why do Pennsylvania highways consistently rank among the worst in the country?

Other Pennsylvania cities aside, Pittsburgh's unique infrastructure demands a competent, efficient, transportation department. If it were up to me, I'd consult with the best highway contractors and engineers in the country, then replace every PennDOT executive and manager with people who follow the best practices in the industry.

Obviously, it's not up to me. But someday, as PennDOT's older managers retire, maybe more progressive leaders will fill their shoes and improve the way the department works. In the mean time, to all four of the Pittsburghers reading this blog, good luck getting around during this "triple-dose weekend." And say hello to the construction crew for me, will you?

Religulous

2008-10-04T18:56:00.003-04:00

It was strange for a Friday night. As I walked into the theater, I was surprised to see more than a few people waiting for Religulous to begin.

It wasn't a packed house or anything, but with so many other choices last night at South Side Works, I didn't expect so many couples to choose a documentary about religion as their dating activity. Scratch that. It's actually about the absurdity and danger of religion, hence its title, a blend of "religion" and "ridiculous."

Oh, geeze. Here he goes again with the religion thing.

Well fear not, my friends. My only purpose today is to tell you how great this flick is. Even if you're not a heathen like me, you'll laugh out loud at this one.

Bill Maher, the movie's producer and star, traveled to Jerusalem, the Vatican, Salt Lake City, and other locations, to interview religious leaders and followers of Christianity, Islam, Jews for Jesus, Hasidic Judaism, and Satanism.

From pastors to polygamists, some of the people are among the kookiest of kooks, including one guy—a Puerto Rican named De Jesus—who claims he's Christ returned.

Maher and the editors did an incredibly good job of weaving together these interviews with great music, tons of well-placed old and recent film clips, and Maher's hilarious and thought-provoking commentary.

That's all I'll say for now. If you don't get a chance to see Religulous at the theater, be sure to rent the DVD when it's released. I can't wait to hear your opinion. In the mean time, check out the trailer here.

It's Time to Evolve

2008-09-30T02:24:00.002-04:00

A friend recently told me she couldn't believe I spend "so much time" denouncing religion and trying to "disprove" the existence of God and Jesus.

What really annoys me about this is that Christian and other religious authorities and followers have had their say for literally centuries, coercing a majority of believers as they've lectured, condemned, judged, insulted, humiliated, tortured, maimed, and murdered unbelievers and dissenters (a.k.a. heretics) in the name of a supposed god.

But this is 2008, not 1608. It's time for progressive freethinkers to aggressively educate the public about the dangers of religious belief as vehemently as Christians have preached their beliefs, only without the arrogance, manipulation, guilt, hate, fear, intolerance, bigotry, and violence.

Fortunately, credible nontheist scholars and other respected public figures have been speaking out more often, especially since 9/11. While I don't put myself in their class, I want to do all I can to support rationality in a world filled with people whose religious beliefs are thousands of years behind their time.

Never forget that the barbarity behind events such as the Inquisition, the Holocaust, and 9/11 was based on religious dogma. And it's only going to get worse if we don't think about these issues. As members of a modern society, we need to be intellectually honest with ourselves and with others and to stop blindly believing in things taught to us as children. We need to evolve and to become better role models for future generations, putting religion and its mythical holy books back on the dusty shelves of an ancient civilization that didn't know any better.

A few related books, movies, and websites:

The End of Faith, by Sam Harris
Letter to a Christian Nation, by Sam Harris
God is not Great, by Christopher Hitchens
Religulous, a documentary in theaters Oct. 3
The God Who Wasn't There, a documentary making a great case against the existence of Jesus
Zeitgeist, a documentary, 3 parts on YouTube describing astrological origins of stories in the Bible
Sam Harris, author, lecturer
The Scripture Project, searchable online annotated Bible (Old and New Testaments), Book of Mormon, and Quran, including every verse, a category index, contradictions, absurdities, and much more

Faith

2008-08-13T11:58:00.003-04:00

“Faith is the surrender of the mind. It’s the surrender of reason. It’s the surrender of the only thing that makes us different from other mammals. It’s our need to believe and to surrender our skepticism and our reason—our yearning to discard that and put all our trust or faith in someone or something—that is the sinister thing to me. Of all the supposed virtues, faith must be the most overrated.”

Christopher Hitchens
Interview, Penn & Teller’s “Bullshit,” Season 3, Episode 5

The Eyes Don't Have It

2008-06-16T10:46:00.007-04:00

Associated Press eagle-eye editors are at it again. Check out the photo caption below; it appeared with an AP story today. Look, I know these guys are busy, but three blatant typos in a 53-word paragraph? So you might be thinking, "A few small typos. So what?" Granted, typos happen to everyone at some point, no matter how careful the writer or editor; however, 1) There are obvious typos in almost every story that goes out on the AP wire, and 2) It's a news organization. As such, it should strive for accuracy and set the bar higher than any other type of organization. I mean, why should anyone believe that AP reporting is accurate when its people can't even get a simple photo caption right?

The Errors:

"tyhe" instead of "the"
"sch3eduled" instead of "scheduled"
"Los Angels" instead of "Los Angeles"

The Caption:

Latest News Stories
Internet suicide case goes to federal court

In this Monday, Nov. 19, 2007 file photo, Tina Meier holds two pictures of her daughter Megan who committed suicide last October after receiving cruel messages on MySpace, in St. Charles, Mo. The woman accused of sending tyhe messages is sch3eduled to appear in federal court in Los Angels Monday June 16, 2008. ( AP Photo/Tom Gannam, File)

Bureaucratic Buttheads Jeer the Cheer

2008-06-11T14:56:00.006-04:00

Ah, the memories of graduation day.

Caps and gowns.

Summer dreams.

Hope for the future.

Friends and family cheering you on as you receive your diploma.

Friends and family handcuffed and dragged off by police for cheering you on.

Huh?

That’s right. It can happen, folks. Just ask Jonathan Orr, who spent two hours in jail last Friday after being arrested for cheering for his cousin during York Comprehensive High School’s commencement at the Winthrop University Coliseum in Rock Hill, South Carolina. [read story]

“I just thought they were going to escort me out,” he told The Herald of Rock Hill. “I had no idea they were going to put handcuffs on me and take me to jail.” Apparently, he was one of the few who even made a peep that day. “It was like a funeral in there,” he said.

You see, Rock Hill police have walked the beat at graduation ceremonies for years at the request of Rock Hill school officials, whose waning tolerance for “increasing disruption” heightened their callous, bureaucratic sense. Consequently, anyone attending graduations are warned that they can be prosecuted for cheering—a horrid crime punishable by a maximum of 30 days in jail and a $1,000 fine.

“We think it’s important for every graduate’s name to be heard and for every person in the arena to be able to see that student cross the stage…That’s why we have disruptive guests removed,” said Dee Christopher, principal at Fort Mill High School in Fort Mill, South Carolina, where six people (that’s right, count ’em, six) were arrested for disorderly conduct after cheering for graduates at the school’s commencement last Saturday.

On his bio page, Dee says he’s a member of the First Baptist Church in Fort Mill. I can only guess that he’s an ultra-conservative Christian. What a shock. In any event, I had to reward his PDF (Public Display of Folly) with the following email (the Cc includes Fort Mill assistant principals Shannon Cleve and Chari Young). I’ll let you know if anyone responds.

--- On Wed, 6/11/08, Buster wrote:

From: Buster
Subject: Congratulations
To: christopherd@fmsd4.fort-mill.k12.sc.us
Cc: cleves@fmsd4.fort-mill.k12.sc.us, youngc@fmsd4.fort-mill.k12.sc.us
Date: Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Dear Dee,

A national news story quoted you as saying that people who cheer at graduation ceremonies are “...disruptive guests...” Are you kidding me? Cheering for loved ones on graduation day is as American as apple pie. I would never think that you, the other school officials, and the police would have those innocent people arrested because you’re all heartless, bureaucratic pricks. I simply think that your ability to reason has somehow been damaged, perhaps by the water supply or ventilation system. Seriously, do you realize just how bad you all look? And on an international scale! That’s quite an accomplishment. Congratulations.

Buster

Witchulas ToothPiculas

2008-05-07T18:39:00.016-04:00

When substitute teacher Jim Piculas performed the disappearing toothpick trick for his Rushe Middle School class in Land O’ Lakes, Florida, he didn’t think he’d be fired.

But that’s exactly what happened after Pasco County School District officials accused him of “wizardry.”

According to the story on Tampa Bay 10’s News site, school officials claimed there were additional reasons for his dismissal, including not following lesson plans and allowing students to play on unapproved computers.

Whoa. So even if the “wizardry” accusation isn’t true, one can easily see that Piculas was fittingly punished for his other appalling infractions. After all, we wouldn’t want the educational system to produce students who deviate from tried-and-true lesson plans or defy authority by playing on the wrong computers, would we?

And how could Piculas have the audacity to inspire his students to learn while having fun at the same time? That goes against every school policy stipulating that the learning process must be sterile and monotonous at all times.

Personally, I think Piculas is a modern-day heretic who should be burned at the stake without a trial. That’ll teach that frightful wizard not to practice his craft in an otherwise incorrupt school system.

Addendum (05/08/08): Yesterday I sent an email to the Pasco County superintendent and assistant superintendent. The latter, Renalia DuBose (who, by the way, sports “Esq.” after the name in her email signature to clarify her supposed importance), actually replied to me. She wrote the following before pasting this article from The Tampa Tribune into her email: “There is, of course, another side to the story. Our main goal is to provide a safe environment that maximizes student learning.” First, the article she pasted didn’t present “another side” to the story. It was just a rehash of every other article out there. Secondly, how did Piculas’s toothpick trick threaten the “safe environment” to which DuBose refers? And I’m still not clear on how Piculas does not “maximize student learning.” Look, it was a witch-hunt, plain and simple. They probably just didn’t like the guy and used the magic trick as an excuse (a lame one, but an excuse nonetheless).

Be There for YOU

2008-05-01T13:03:00.008-04:00

Originally posted on Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Ladies and gentlemen! Step right up and feast your eyes on one of the most horrifying, grotesque corporate curiosities to roam the earth! She's a master of the black arts! A living remnant of prehistoric times! She'll sell your soul and pick your pocket watch, stealing every last free minute you possess. Here she is. The one, the only—Cathie, the Queen of Workaholic Mutants and Managers!

So who is this woman? She looks harmless enough, right? Well trust me, you wouldn't want her to be your boss. Her name is Cathie Black, president of Hearst Magazines and author of a recently published book about "getting ahead at work." At least, that's what she says the book is about, but I have a different take.

From her interview on the Today show this morning, I gathered that the book teaches lessons on how to give up your free time, neglect your family, and run yourself into the ground until you're physically and mentally exhausted—all in the name of impressing the boss.

It's truly amazing how confidently, coldly, and pseudo-urgently she sputtered her archaic beliefs during the interview with Matt Lauer. "Don't be a clock-watcher," she said. "Come early, stay late, and be seen. You want to be there. You want to be essential."

Come early? Stay late? Be essential? Is she serious? Has she been living under a rock for the past five years? Does she realize that workaholics are not respected in the workplace but are, instead, viewed as suckers who have no more job security than anyone else? Has she not read Joe Robinson's excellent book, "Work to Live," or John de Graaf's "Take Back Your Time," or any of the studies showing that being a workaholic is actually less productive and bad for the health?

As Robinson writes, "Though hours have always been a way to score points for advancement, it's a game that too many play too much for too few results. The layoff rolls are jammed with employees who 'gave their all,' shocked that ten, fifteen, and twenty years of sixty-hour weeks meant nothing in the end."

That said, the only people we should "be there" for, or "be essential" for, are our families, friends, and ourselves. Being a "clock-watcher" doesn't mean that a person has a poor work ethic. It means that he or she has a good LIFE ETHIC. Every minute worked over eight hours per day (which is too long to begin with) is a minute taken away from our short time on earth. Those minutes add up, and you can never get them back.

So do yourself a favor: Go to work, do a great job, get a lot done, take your breaks, and leave after eight hours. And whatever you do, think twice before buying anything Cathie Black writes. You'd be much better off getting one of the books I've mentioned above.

Blind Murder

2008-05-01T12:27:00.002-04:00

Originally published on Friday, March 28, 2008

Madeline Neumann trusted her mom and dad. What 11-year-old wouldn’t? After all, parents are supposed to be good role models, right? They’re supposed to have at least enough common sense to wisely guide their children through life, one milestone at a time. But Madeline will never have the chance to experience another milestone. Why?

Because her parents killed her.

They didn’t shoot her, or stab her, or push her off a cliff. No, their weapon of choice was something one would not ordinarily think of as a weapon—absolute blind Christian faith.

Madeline’s parents—Leilani and Dale Neumann, of Weston, Wisconsin—decided to put their daughter’s life in the hands of God instead of a doctor. You see, Madeline, who died on Sunday, had a treatable form of diabetes, yet her parents would not take her to a medical professional, despite the fact that she had been suffering from nausea, vomiting, excessive thirst, loss of appetite and weakness for about a month.

"We stayed fast in prayer then," said her mother. "We believed that she would recover. We saw signs that to us, it looked like she was recovering."

Madeline’s autopsy showed that she died of diabetic ketoacidosis (DKA), a nearly complete deficiency of insulin and elevated levels of stress hormones. But she didn’t have to die. Had even one level-headed person successfully intervened, this heartbreaking tragedy could have been prevented.

Within the last few days of Madeline’s life, her aunt pleaded with the parents to take the girl to a doctor, but to no avail. And what about everyone else? Did most of Madeline’s family and friends simply not know what was going on, or were they, too, so caught up in the "glory of God" that they refused to save the life of a child who didn’t know any better?

Granted, most Christian parents would not forsake medical treatment for their children. However, this incident does show just how dangerous blind faith can be. Believing in the Bible without questioning its words is bad enough. But to so grossly neglect parental duties as the Neumanns have done is about as feeble as it gets.

There are many levels of Christian ignorance. Madeline’s parents represent the absurd end of the scale—acute stupidity at best, and advanced psychosis at worst. But along that same scale are numerous gray areas inhabited by "religious" people who make stupid decisions of lesser importance each and every day—decisions based on blind faith and an inability to think for themselves.

Had the Neumanns decided early on to analyze their faith—to truly examine why they believe the things they do and what history, science and common sense currently tell us about God and Jesus—they might have concluded that doctors are better healers than any perceived deity, and Madeline might be alive today.

Biological Classifications of Women

2008-05-01T12:12:00.003-04:00

Originally published on Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Remember having to learn the scientific classifications of different organisms in biology class? If so, you might recall the term "genus," a Latinized category name given to every species. For example, Homo is the genus that includes humans and their close relatives (Homo sapiens being the species of bipedal primates to which modern humans belong). That said, I’ve developed Homo genus classifications for every known type of modern woman. I hope this list finds its way into modern biology textbooks and thus helps future generations of students to understand the female human animal.

Homo juvenilis
This classification includes pure adolescent females between the ages of 13 and 18 who have not yet been entirely corrupted by society’s notion of the "perfect" man. A female on the younger end of the juvenilis age range is not significantly influenced by a man’s height, wealth, status, or level of attractiveness. However, as she approaches the age of 18, she gradually assimilates society’s superficial values and begins to capitalize on her previously untapped power to attain anything she wants as she leaves a trail of broken hearts behind her.

Homo clitoral erectus
The clitoral erectus female is popularly referred to as a nymphomaniac. While she spends an inordinate amount of time in local taverns and other public establishments seeking men for the sole purpose of sexual intercourse, she also views and participates in Internet pornography and has random sexual encounters at home with utility workers while her husband is at work. This hypersexual behavior is usually driven by abnormal hormone levels, a psychosexual disorder, or both. As such, she avoids monogamous relationships and is likely to become a stripper, prostitute, or an employee of an urban massage parlor.

Homo asexualis
A woman under this classification has an acute aversion to sex. Sometimes referred to as a "plain-jane," asexualis tends to dress down as much as possible, donning herself in sweats, baggy jeans, and T-shirts. She seldom wears makeup, paints her nails, styles her hair, or wears contact lenses, even when getting ready to meet prospective dating partners. A woman like this lacks overall passion and often criticizes gliteralis superficialis (a.k.a. "girlie girls") for wearing sexually suggestive attire or for behaving in a "prissy" manner. This type of person usually commits herself to a mundane, conservative life of religion, sometimes becoming a nun or volunteering at a local church.

Homo geekus maximus
A woman of this class enjoys participating in "nerdy" activities, such as obsessive reading, computer and role-playing games, recreational mathematics or science, cult television, low-budget sci-fi, attending Comicon, excessive Internet surfing, and chatting online with like-minded people. During adolescence, she attends band camp each summer and seldom, if ever, goes on dates. Although she often dresses and behaves like asexualis, she occasionally heeds unsolicited grooming advice from glitteralis superficialis females, thus drastically improving her appearance and creating the lethal combination of intelligence and good looks. However, because of her underdeveloped social skills, she cannot effectively cope with the attention that her newfound physical beauty brings, and she reverts back to her asexualis grooming and behavioral patterns.

Homo glitteralis superficialis
The Homo glitteralis superficialis female is often referred to as a "girlie girl" or "glitter girl." Usually a superficial, materialistic narcissist, this type of woman immerses herself in a diamond-studded fantasy world where anyone who is less than perfectly groomed is deemed a social outcast. Flawlessly manicured at all times, she dresses in form-fitting, skin-baring, trendy attire, with every hair in place and each stroke of lipstick perfectly painted. Known for being shallow, she seldom contemplates the meaning of life or the origin of the universe and has very little interest in current events or her community. Her conversations are centered on grooming, clothing, shopping, gossip, attractive men, and how cute she looked when she was a high-school cheerleader. This type of female is careful not to get too close to her boyfriend or husband when hugging or kissing because she might wrinkle her clothes or smear her makeup. A born expert at "working the room," she frequently attends high-society fundraisers, does whatever it takes to further her career, places a high value on others’ achievements, and marries only tall, wealthy, perfectly groomed men of high status.

Homo domesticus
A woman falling under this classification is popularly referred to as a "soccer mom." Financially supported by her husband, she avoids the daily stress and indignity of an oppressive work environment or frustrating commute to and from her job. Consequently, she is able to spend her limited time on earth living her life, able to bond with her children and to participate in enjoyable activities alone or with other domesticus females. Sometimes she is so obsessed with her children that she alienates her friends and even her husband, often resulting in broken friendships and a passionless or failed marriage. As someone who cannot relate to a world outside of her own, this type of woman is a softer, domesticated version of legalis prostitutus.

Homo legalis prostitutus
A materialistic, genetically mutated version of domesticus, this unusually attractive female engages in legal prostitution by providing her wealthy husband (sometimes referred to as her "sugar daddy") with sexual intercourse in exchange for money, food, and shelter. Homo legalis prostitutus seldom has children because they would interfere with her decadent, independent lifestyle of shopping and recreation. As someone who earns nothing while attaining everything, she can relate only to other women of her type. An example of a famous legalis prostitutus female is Anna Nicole Smith.

Homo excessivus christianus
A female of this type tirelessly devotes her life to practicing and promoting the beliefs and agenda of the Christian Church. Guided by arrogance, intolerance, pseudo-moral "family values," and the delusion of superiority, her essence defines hypocrisy as she desperately tries to tell people how to live their lives. As someone who believes that non-Christians will suffer eternal damnation after death, excessivus christianus is in constant judgment of others, maintaining that things such as homosexuality, premarital sex, and masturbation are "not of God." Driven by conformity, ignorance, and a literal interpretation of the Bible, she lacks the capacity to think for herself or to respect others’ rights and beliefs. As such, she vehemently protests gay marriage, scoffs at the concept of separation of church and state, and frequently uses terms such as obscene, appropriate, perverted, predator, right, wrong, strange, and normal. This type of woman will not even consider dating or marrying a man who has not "accepted Jesus Christ as his personal lord and savior." If she is married, her husband is probably a member of Promise Keepers, and he must continue to be a God-fearing man to sustain the relationship. If she is not married, she believes that it’s only a matter of time before God provides her with the perfect Christian spouse.

Homo trendicus coolicus
This class of female, often referred to as "trendy" or "cool," is usually single and spends most of her free time mingling in local taverns or grinding her posterior to popular African American music at dance clubs. Sometimes she will continue to dance publicly well into her 50s as younger club dwellers look on and ponder her presence at such a wintry age. Fueled by an appetite for variety and an inclination toward infidelity, she enjoys spontaneous sexual encounters with strangers while vacationing in exotic Caribbean locations. She finds it challenging to establish lasting relationships because she is innately drawn to "bad boys" who want nothing more from her than sexual play. If she marries this type of a man, her attraction to him wanes because the novelty of his stoic, machismo demeanor wears off as she discovers the real person underneath. Similarly, maintaining a marriage with the proverbial "nice guy" is virtually impossible because he does not have enough of an "edge" to hold her attention over the long haul. Not surprisingly, the divorce rate is statistically high for this type of woman, who often suffers from perpetual loneliness throughout her adult life and into her elderly years.

Homo stupidus
This type of female is fascinated only with the most fundamental human experiences and functions, such as going to the bathroom, eating, drinking, and sneezing. Consequently, she is a poor conversationalist. Even if she were skilled enough to listen to what people have to say, she wouldn’t understand or care enough to offer a thoughtful reply. Similar to glitteralis superficialis, she does not ponder the origin of the universe or her place in life and has no interest in improving herself or learning about the world around her. As someone who cannot think critically, argue, reason, analyze, or form a substantial opinion about anything, she lets others think for her, leaving her especially vulnerable to extremist Christian cults.

Homo masculinis bumpkinis
These country-bumpkin "she-males," as they are sometimes called, have physical and behavioral traits usually associated with "redneck" men. Some of these characteristics include wearing men’s clothing, walking like a man, cussing, chewing tobacco, smoking cigars, obsessing over football, watching NASCAR, consuming beer, riding motorcycles, listening to heavy-metal music, expelling bodily fluids in public, intentionally belching at the dinner table, picking the nose or teeth, and igniting flatulence. A dense population of masculinis bumpkinis females can be found in the Appalachians, Ozarks, Rocky Mountains, and Pittsburgh.

Homo masculinis tomboyis
Widely referred to as a "tomboy," this type of woman enjoys participating and watching virtually any sport, including football, baseball, volleyball, tennis, racquetball, swimming, running, gymnastics, and many more. As someone who enjoys outdoor pursuits, such as hiking, rock climbing, skiing, cycling, and skydiving, she is usually a member of an outdoor sports club and frequently travels to destinations conducive to these activities. This male-like creature, often very attractive due to her toned physique, dons athleticwear year-round. Sometimes when participating in social activities, she will wear jeans and a T-shirt, take off her baseball cap, undo her ponytail, and wear makeup. On very special occasions, she will even put on a dress and paint her nails, especially when going on a date with a tall, athletic man. An abundance of masculinis tomboyis females live in Pittsburgh due to the city’s obsession with high-school, college, and professional sports.

Homo pseudo intellecutalis
A woman in this class frequents coffee shops with her friends, discussing such cerebral topics as poetry, classical and modern fiction, and independent and foreign films as if she knows more about the creative works than the authors themselves. She also enjoys talking about art, European travel, and wine, conspicuously leaving out practical subjects that reference day-to-day life. As she speaks, her flapping lips and fluttering tongue propel the kind of pompous twang seldom seen in any other public establishment. Often a freelance writer for a local urban tabloid or a member of a local book club, pseudo intellectualis prides herself on her encyclopedic knowledge of cultural trivia and criticizes those who are not as learned. As an expert on keeping up appearances, her primary concern is to project intelligence at all times, despite the fact that she is overcompensating for a lack thereof.

Homo gothicus
This "gothic" female, usually between 14 and 22 years of age, values nonconformity over everything else. Ironically, she strictly conforms to women within her own class, donning black garb from head to toe, sporting a pitch-black alternative hairdo, and accessorizing with skull jewelry and other accoutrements associated with death. Her black wardrobe effectively contrasts with her pasty skin, usually etched with at least two rebellious tattoos. Often a talented artist or musician, gothicus is typically creative, intelligent, and insightful but prefers to talk about such dark topics as suffering and death. As such, the average person is somewhat intimidated by this type of woman, and society looks down upon her based solely on her appearance. As such, feelings of isolation and loneliness fill her mind, and she sometimes develops antisocial patterns of thought and engages in subversive activities with like-minded people. Before growing out of this class, she will consider suicide at least once and date only gothic-type males.

Homo careerus obsessicus
Crisply garbed in a gray pantsuit or other corporate costume, this assertive, expressionless businesswoman walks with an imaginary purpose and speaks with pseudo urgency. Fluent in office-speak, she frequently draws from a well-stocked mental repository of corporate clichés, including such phrases as "crunch time," "team player," "hit the ground running," "moving forward," "can do," and "do what it takes to get the job done." Usually in a position of middle management, this woman thinks nothing of putting in 60- to 70-hour workweeks, bringing projects home, or working on weekends, expecting her subordinates to do the same thing. Her employees dislike her, and her family and friends resent her for neglecting them. This self-destructive behavior continues for years until she burns out, develops related health problems, or her husband threatens to divorce her.

Homo perpetualis victimis
This attention-seeking female acts out the role of the perpetual victim. Commonly referred to as a "drama queen," she leans on people for financial and emotional support as she desperately narrates an endless stream of the tragedies she has suffered throughout her life. She encounters these difficulties because of her inability to make rational decisions, and this perpetual self-sabotage often gets her into legal trouble. Homo perpetualis victimis often becomes an alcohol or drug addict, never taking action to beat the habit.

Homo minimus activitus
Often overweight, this type of woman expends the minimum amount of energy on any given activity. Popularly referred to as a "couch potato," she does not enjoy even moderate recreational activities such as walking. During sexual intercourse, she exhibits little, if any, passion and has no interest in pleasing her partner.

Homo plutonicus
Any woman surrounding herself with plutonic male companions falls under this classification. Usually a female of this type banishes the male to the "friend zone" after she decides that she is not sexually attracted to him. From that point on, she views her emasculated friend as she would a homosexual brother, confiding in him about everything from her abusive boss to her latest sexual conquest. Tragically, many of her male friends continue to fantasize that the relationship will turn into something more, usually because plutonicus unknowingly encourages him with flirtatious remarks and careless exposures of flesh. Sometimes this type of female does not find a lifelong partner because no man can live up to her unrealistically high expectations.

Homo heightus bigotus
Almost all women fall under this category. The criterion: To discriminate against men whose stature is shorter than average (about 5’ 9"). Driven by primal instincts and the desire to look good in public, heightus bigotus prefers to be in the company of a tall man. While she might occasionally go on a date with a man who is shorter than average, research and real-world observation show that she will ultimately choose a tall man as her lifelong partner. Although a woman of this type almost always denies her bigotry, she subconsciously (and sometimes consciously) believes that tall men have higher levels of intelligence, credibility, maturity, respectability, and overall worth, than their shorter male counterparts. As such, she is physically incapable of feeling aroused when interacting with short men, even if she has not copulated for months. This causes her to "see through" these men when walking in public places, making him invisible in a very literal sense.

Homo boistrus matronus
A female in this class is usually an older, rotund woman who speaks about 50 decibels louder than she needs to, even during one-on-one conversations. Known for her boisterous nature and strong regional accent, she embarrasses friends and family in public as her verbal responses reveal intimate details about their lives. Often clad in tight, sky-blue polyester slacks and an embroidered purple maternity blouse, she frequently adds to the embarrassment by emitting unusually loud coughs, sneezes, belches, or flatulence.

Homo singleus divorceeus
This type of female often spends years as a Homo domesticus female before divorcing her unfaithful or abusive husband. Prone to adapting well to her newfound freedom alone, she usually waits about two months before participating in the dating scene. As a mother who has sole custody of at least two children, singleus divorceeus has a strong desire to "play the field" until she finds the "perfect" father and provider. When writing her online personals profile, she states that "my kids are the center of my universe, and they are my first and foremost priority." Consequently, she unknowingly scares away many exceptional men who would otherwise contact her. The few men who do email her pretend to seek a long-term commitment while secretly planning to use her for the sole purpose of sexual intercourse. After several months of enduring these swindlers of emotion, singleus divorceeus becomes a plutonicus, confiding in one of her many plutonic male companions who long to be more than just friends with her. While this male friend is the type of nice person she passed over many times before marrying her abusive husband, she cries on his shoulder about her failed marriage as he helps her to pick up the broken pieces of her life. Yet somehow she still doesn’t think he is good enough to be her romantic partner.

Homo fictionalis
This is a nonexistent, well-adjusted female whose sincerity and integrity defy scrutiny. When she expresses love, it is real. When she does not feel love, she does not pretend. She is passionate about experiencing life but does not need to jump from an airplane or climb a mountain to feel alive. All she needs is the simple pleasure of being in the company of the person she loves, regardless of where she is or what she is doing. Possessing the ability to appreciate simple things on a profound level, she is educated, articulate, creative, open-minded, polite, insightful, and genuinely interested in what others have to say, just as they are interested in what she has to say. She seeks a man based on his virtues, not his height, wealth, or status. While she, like most women, needs to feel physically attracted to a man, she does not seek perfection but bases her final choice on his essence.

Critical Thinking 101: The Conformity of Christianity

2008-05-01T11:54:00.005-04:00

Originally posted on Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Are you a Christian? If so, have you ever stopped to think about why you believe the things you do? Are you a Christian out of convenience? That is, are you a Christian because your parents raised you as one? Or did you undergo some religious transformation or metaphysical epiphany due to some tragic event, divine calling, or deep yearning to find meaning in a cold, anonymous, chaotic world?

These are only rhetorical questions, of course. I’m not asking you these things because I want to start an argument. I would just like to offer some food for thought about the origin and rationale for Christian beliefs.

The United States is one of the most technologically, scientifically, and intellectually advanced countries in the world, yet more than 75 percent of the U.S. population is Christian, believing that a miracle-working Jesus of Nazareth walked the earth some 2000 years ago and that his supernatural father, an omnipotent being much larger than the universe itself, looks down upon us and blesses us or punishes us as he sees fit. And those who don’t believe in this Christian deity are doomed to suffer an eternity in the fiery pits of Hell.

When asked to describe their beliefs, most Christians will cite faith and the Bible without offering tangible, logical reasons to support their convictions. As thinking human beings, shouldn’t we dig at least a little deeper than that? After all, if you believe that God gave you a brain, then why not use it as you do in virtually every other area of your life? Have you ever researched the history behind the Bible or Jesus? Have you examined the consistency of the "Good Book" or the Christian timeline?

For example, why is there scientific evidence to show that the earth is about 4.5 billion years old and that we evolved from simpler creatures while biblical accounts, by contrast, site that the earth is no more than 10,000 years old and that we materialized in the Garden of Eden in our present form? And why is there not one historical reference to a Jesus on earth written between about 30 A.D. (when Jesus allegedly died) and about 70 A.D. (when the gospel of Mark was written)? Did everyone forget that Jesus existed immediately after his death and for about 40 years thereafter?

And why would Jesus or a decent and loving god allow the Holocaust, 9/11, Katrina, Indian Ocean earthquake, the Spanish Inquisition, and many other atrocities to take place? A devout Christian would offer ambiguous reasons why their god would let these types of events happen and why so many people needlessly suffer and die on a daily basis. And Christians would base these reasons on blind faith and on the contents of an apocryphal, unoriginal, book that purports to be the world’s moral compass yet has enough holes to fill an infinite number of doughnuts (the "holey" book, as I call it).

These are just a few of the major questions that I, as a non-Christian, have. But there are many more, and devoted Christians would undoubtedly come up with answers for every last one of them before acknowledging even the possibility that their god doesn’t exist.

Many Christians continue to maintain that "God must exist. The evidence is all around us. Just look at this beautiful world of ours." Sorry, that doesn’t cut it. The fact that earth merely exists certainly does not prove the existence of a god. This view reflects nothing more than the "God of the gaps" mentality, a line of thinking that offers supernatural explanations to plug gaps in human knowledge that cannot yet be explained by science. Remember, early humans thought that gods controlled the moon, sun, stars, thunder, and lightning. But as increasingly comprehensive scientific explanations began to fill in these gaps, the need for supernatural theories to explain phenomena progressively waned. The fact that we cannot yet explain why earth exists does not substantiate the claim that God exists or that the earth and all of its living creatures have been "intelligently designed."

On that topic, the world is an amazing place, and the human body is an incredible piece of organic machinery, but there are still countless flaws that would sooner support the notion of unintelligent design. God is supposed to be perfect, yet there are many examples of imperfection on earth, including conjoined twins, biological mutations, useless evolutionary leftovers, and more. And even if intelligent design were a reality, who’s presumptuous enough to assume that a Christian god was the designer? For all we know, it could have been some slimy alien creature that science has yet to discover.

No one can know for certain whether or not a god or other omnipotent being exists, and everyone has a right to express his or her own opinions and beliefs. But opinions and beliefs based on current scientific and historical knowledge have more credibility and make more sense than those based solely on blind faith. Denying the existence of God or Jesus doesn’t imply a lack of morality or a lack of appreciation for the wondrous universe we live in. It simply shows that we reserve our inherent intellectual and philosophical right to question something that we’re not sure about.

How to Screw Your Secretary

2008-05-01T11:39:00.002-04:00

Originally posted on Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Without a bead of sweat or a facial tic to betray him, Scott McClellan looked into the eyes of the reporters and lied to them.

"They're good individuals," he said. "They're important members of our White House team, and that's why I spoke with them, so that I could come back to you and say that they were not involved."

He was talking about Karl Rove and Scooter Libby, two former White House aides who claimed they had nothing to do with leaking the identity of former CIA operative Valerie Plame.

But they were involved, and it was McClellan's job as the White House press secretary to mislead the public. At least, that's how Bush and Cheney saw it. McClellan himself didn't even know he was lying.

According to an Associated Press story in yesterday's Washington Post, McClellan claims in his new book, "What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and What's Wrong with Washington," that Bush, Cheney, and other high-ranking officials misled him.

In an excerpt from the book, posted on the publisher's Web site, McClellan writes about the 2003 news conference:

"The most powerful leader in the world had called upon me to speak on his behalf and help restore credibility he lost amid the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. So I stood at the White House briefing room podium in front of the glare of the klieg lights for the better part of two weeks and publicly exonerated two of the senior-most aides in the White House: Karl Rove and Scooter Libby. There was one problem. It was not true. I had unknowingly passed along false information. And five of the highest ranking officials in the administration were involved in my doing so: Rove, Libby, the vice president, the president's chief of staff, and the president himself."

It's bad enough that Bush was re-elected for a second term in 2004, but how has this known liar and treasonist eluded impeachment and conviction for so long? His very presence in the White House is a scandal, and the House of Representatives should have initiated the impeachment process years ago. What will it take to force Bush out of office once and for all? A seductive intern?

Nappy-Headed Ho Ho Hos

2008-05-01T11:30:00.005-04:00

Originally posted on Thursday, November 15, 2007

The Daily Telegraph reports that Westaff, an Australian-based recruitment firm employing hundreds of Santa Clauses across Australia, will not allow its white-bearded trainees to say "ho, ho, ho" this holiday season because the phrase is too similar to the American slang for prostitute. Instead, the company wants its Santas to say "ha, ha, ha."

This is no laughing matter. I totally agree with the ban. In fact, I think Westaff should take this a step further and seek a court order that requires Hostess to change the name of their popular snack cake from "Ho Hos" to "Ha Has."

I also think that all words beginning with "ho" should be removed from all books, magazines, dictionaries, movies, TV programs, blogs, and every other printed, online, and broadcast medium. This would even include the elimination of references to such famous historical figures as Vietnamese revolutionary Ho Chi Minh.

After all, we need to protect the fragile minds of women and children. Doing so will prove that we are good, God-fearing, sterile citizens.

PhenomeNOT

2008-05-01T11:04:00.002-04:00

Originally posted on Thursday, November 01, 2007

If Houdini were alive today, he probably would have laughed himself free of his handcuffs after watching last night's episode of Phenomenon.

Not because of Criss Angel's Houdini-like, million-dollar challenge to Jim Callahan and Uri Geller, but because the ensuing "altercation" was probably a publicity stunt to boost ratings after the show's lackluster premiere last week.

In short, Callahan, one of the contestants, claimed he was possessed by the spirit of author Raymond Hill, who supposedly revealed to Callahan the secret contents of a sealed box. During the demonstration, Callahan could barely keep still in his chair as the spirit invaded his body. Actually, it looked more like he was having a seizure. Either way, Angel was unimpressed.

"I just think it's comical quite frankly," said Angel, after which he pulled a sealed envelope from his pocket. Addressing both Callahan and Geller, he continued, "I will give you a million dollars of my personal money right now if either one of you can tell me specific details of what's in here right now."

At that point, the only thing possessing Callahan was anger. At least, that's how it appeared. He called Angel an "ideological bigot" and blurted out enough swear words to keep the show's censorship guy on his toes.

Anyway, if the whole thing was staged, it was a spectacle that Houdini—one of the greatest self-promoters, publicity generators, and Spiritualisitc debunkers of all time—would have really appreciated.

How My Time Flies

2008-05-01T10:25:00.003-04:00

Originally published on Wednesday, May 09, 2007

You've heard it a million times and have probably said it at least a few times yourself if you're older than 20 years: "My, how time flies!" But have you ever really stopped to think about why it seems to go so fast?

The perception of passing time has always fascinated me. I'm not a physics wiz by any stretch of the imagination, so obviously my personal understanding of time is limited to my frame of reference and to the little I've read about the subject.

Since about my late 20s, I've viewed time as one continuous stream. If we could literally hear it pass, it might sound like a never-ending hiss or endless musical note as the world and every living thing rhythmically cycle through existence until the end of time, if such a thing exists. The animated clock above is a good visual representation of this (ignore the incorrect years). Click here to see the full-size version (source: www.indemnity83.com).

Obviously, I find clocks and calendars as useful as the next person, but I've always wondered how our perception of time would change if we stripped away seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, and any other measure of time before, between, and after.

Of course, if we didn't officially define time in some tangible way, chaos would ensue in terms of scheduling. But think of how it would change the way we perceive it. In fact, even if you don't strip away the measurements altogether, and you simply redefine what already exists, it plays with the mind a bit.

For example, if one year equaled 730 days (twice as long), then time, in one sense, would seem to slow down compared to how we already perceive it. But the human life span, in terms of years, would be cut in half. Conversely, if one year equaled 182.5 days (half as long), then time would seem to go faster than it already does, and the average human being would live to the ripe old age of 150, give or take a few years.

In any event, regardless of how we perceive or define time, one thing is clear: There doesn't seem to be enough of it within one lifetime. So make the most of it while you can, even if you have to spend less of it reading blogs about the perception of time. ;)

My Post-Gazette Letter on the Smoking Ban

2008-05-01T10:19:00.005-04:00

Originally published on Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Today the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette published my letter about the smoking ban. I won't offer a detailed opinion here because I'm burned out on the topic, so let's just say that I'm like a lot of other local nonsmokers: Fed up with the shameless greed behind perpetual delays of the ban. In any event, I'm optimistic that Pennsylvania will someday catch up to more progressive states. It's just a matter of time. Click here or on the picture if you're interested in reading it.

Dr. Lopper Botches Ball Surgery

2008-05-01T10:13:00.002-04:00

Originally posted on Thursday, April 05, 2007

When Benjamin Houghton said he'd give his right nut to make his left one feel better, he didn't think anyone would take it literally.

But that's exactly what happened when a surgeon at the Veterans Affairs Medical Center in Los Angeles mistakenly lopped off Houghton's right testicle instead of his atrophied—potentially cancerous—left one. In other words, the right ball was the wrong ball.

"At first I thought it was a joke," said Houghton, an Air Force veteran, as quoted in yesterday's Los Angeles Times. "Then I was shocked. I told them, 'What do I do now?' "

I guess he answered his own question because he's now suing for $200,000 for future health-care costs. I certainly hope he gets more than that for punitive damages alone. So far, all he and his wife, Monica, got was a formal apology from the Greater Los Angeles VA system's chief of staff.

In my humble opinion, I think the VA should fire the surgeon who botched the procedure—Dr. John Leppert (or should that be Dr. Lopper?). Granted, there were several procedural errors that led to the mistake, but didn't Leppert see any physical difference between the testicles?

And how dense was Houghton for not reading the consent form before signing it? Had he done so, he might have noticed that the form incorrectly indicated the removal of the right testicle. Sure, we've all signed stuff without reading it. But when a surgeon is planning to take a knife to your nuts, don't you think it might be beneficial to read the fine print?

In any event, what's done is done, and you have to give Houghton some credit for enduring the physical pain, mental anguish, and public humiliation. Seriously, the guy's got balls. Well, you know what I mean.

It's About Time: How to Gain Two Hours Every Week

2008-05-01T09:48:00.016-04:00

Originally published on Thursday, March 29, 2007

Do you value your time?

No, I mean, do you really value your time? If you could wave a magic wand and create two extra leisure hours per week, would you do it? Good! That's what I thought.

I'm about to suggest taking one simple action that is guaranteed to add at least two extra hours to your week, and you can leave the wand in the toy chest. There's only one thing that cancels out this guarantee: If you're in a profession that requires you to work odd hours or to be on call 24/7. For example, if you're a doctor, nurse, EMT, ad-agency executive, Hollywood actor, or international spy, this strategy probably won't work for you.

Here it is. The big secret. The one thing almost everyone can do but doesn't: The next time you feel pressured to work more than eight hours on any given workday, or when your supervisor asks you to stay late—don't.

That's right. I'm suggesting that you leave work on time, regardless of what your boss or co-workers think. The simple act of setting your boundaries at work will give you at least two extra hours per week. (This figure assumes that the average employed American works at least 24 extra minutes per day. That is, he or she works at least 8:24 [eight hours, 24 minutes] each workday, or 42 hours per week. And this is a conservative estimate. I imagine that most American workers put in between 45 and 50 hours.)

I know, I know. There are arguments brewing in your head, but I've heard them all before and will address each one of them:

I have to do what my supervisor says or he'll fire me.
This is probably everyone's foremost fear, but the truth of the matter is this: If you dependably show up every morning, consistently crank out good-quality work, and don't maliciously subject your co-workers to bodily or verbal harm, then you're more likely to contract HIV from a light bulb than be fired for working fewer than 40 hours. Believe me, the typical company is way too cheap to can you for something so lame. Remember, they have to pay big bucks for unemployment and to find a replacement. For professional positions, it costs the average company tens of thousands of dollars to replace an employee. And let's say they do end up firing you. So what? Did you really want to work for them, anyway? Collect your unemployment check and find a better employer.

I'm a manager and have to set a good example for my employees.
If you think working long hours sets a good example, then you have a major problem. Just ask your family and friends, who are tired of your worn-out excuses for not showing up for personal activities. If you're married with children, you're lucky that your spouse hasn't filed for a divorce and that your kids don't hate you. If you really want to set a good example, show your employees that you care about your life outside of work by leaving on time.

Being a salaried employee requires that I do whatever it takes to get the job done, even if it means working long hours.
This myth is something understaffed companies perpetuate so they can justify wringing every last drop of stamina from their overworked employees' bones. Don't fall for it. Companies need to hire additional staff to pick up the slack. The fact that you're a salaried employee does not give any employer the license to steal your personal time.

I get paid by the hour, so I get time-and-a-half when I work overtime. What's wrong with that?
Nothing, if you're willing to give up leisure time. But is it really worth the extra money? Remember, you'll never get that time back—ever.

Ed, the guy who sits next to me, works 60 to 70 hours per week. If I work any less than that, I'll look like a slacker.
How you live your life is none of Ed's business. If Ed wants to burn up every last minute of his free time, then let him. You, on the other hand, are much smarter than that. You're in control of your life and don't let others dictate your free time.

If I stay late and finish the work today, it's that much less work I'll have to do tomorrow.
Following this logic, you'll dig yourself into a bottomless hole because tomorrow is going to bring nothing but a whole new batch of work. It's an endless cycle. There will always be work on your desk. Whatever it is you are doing can wait until tomorrow.

If I work long hours, the boss will reward me with a nice raise at the end of the year.
Yearend reviews are a joke. First, if your supervisor bases your review score on the number of hours you work instead of job performance, then you shouldn't be working for him. Second, do you really think that earning an extra percentage or two at the end of the year justifies throwing away free time that you'll never get back? Think about it. If you earn $40,000 per year, and your supervisor stiffs you for 2% because you didn't put in extra time, you're losing $800. In this example, even if you work only five additional hours per week, less two weeks vacation and seven holidays, you're working 245 extra hours per year (that's more than 10 solid days and nights)—for only 800 bucks, or $3.27 per hour. Isn't your time worth more than that?

The longer I work, the more productive I am.
This simply isn't true. The more refreshed you are, the more productive you will be, and don't let your employer tell you otherwise. Working long hours will eventually catch up with you, producing nothing but burnout. And burned-out employees take more sick days and produce lower quantities of poor- to mediocre-quality work.

Sometimes I have to work late to meet a deadline.
Unless you're a journalist reporting hard news or work in the publishing or advertising industries, most deadlines are arbitrary and can usually bend. In a previous job, I remember busting my butt on a regular basis to make deadlines. Then one day I discovered that a lot of the work I had to turn in by 5 p.m. wouldn't be processed for days, sometimes weeks. Don't take deadlines so seriously. Even if your boss is deadline-anal-retentive, you might be able to negotiate a new deadline, delegate the work, or outsource extra projects that the full-time staff simply doesn't have time to do within the course of a 40-hour workweek.

Since Amy quit, I'm doing the job of two people and have no choice but to stay late.
You always have a choice. If Amy quits, your company needs to hire someone to replace her. It's that simple. If your supervisor asks you to pick up the slack, say that you'll be happy to oblige, then leave on time as usual. If he confronts you about it, confront him back, telling him that you won't compromise your personal time simply because he won't hire a replacement. Even if he promises that he'll hire someone, be clear that you will not work extra hours during the interim. Remember, he's not going to set the boundaries for you. It's your life. You call the shots.

If my boss assigns a time-consuming project at the end of the day and expects me to finish it before I leave, what am I supposed to do?
Tell your boss that you have obligations at home and that you will continue the project tomorrow when you're fresh. If he criticizes you for this, or tries to brainwash you with the cliché "You're a professional and must do what it takes to get the job done" argument (see above), then you need to sit down with him and set your boundaries so he respects your time from now on. Otherwise, the pattern will continue.

So ask yourself this: In the last moments of your life, will you be wishing that you had spent more time in the office? Is that report so crucial that you can't finish it tomorrow? Are you really under a non-negotiable deadline? Do you really want to miss those moments in life that matter the most? Look, if you feel the need to accommodate your boss's every unreasonable request at the cost of your own leisure time, that's none of my business. But what about your family and friends? If nothing else, think about them next time you decide to work late.

Related Links:

Work to Live: http://www.worktolive.info
Take Back Your Time: http://www.timeday.org

Houdini to Escape from Grave

2008-05-01T09:31:00.003-04:00

Originally published on Friday, March 23, 2007

Houdini never lost hope that he would someday escape from the grave.

More than 80 years after his death (Halloween 1926), and on the eve of his birthday (March 24, 1874), his wish is about to come true. But it's not exactly what he had in mind.

Houdini's great nephew, George Hardeen (the grandson of Houdini's brother Theo), wants to have the legendary self-liberator's body exhumed in hopes of discovering whether or not Houdini was murdered (read story • watch video).

Conspiracy theories that someone murdered Houdini have endured for years because fraudulent mediums of the day, such as Mina Crandon (a.k.a., Margery), threatened Houdini for publicly denouncing them and putting them out of business. And since no autopsy was performed on Houdini's body, no one could prove otherwise; albeit, as recently as 2004, some people, including Don Bell, have presented intriguing, if not credible, theories.

So why all the fuss now? Why, after all of these years, has a relative insisted on a reinvestigation? Because William Kalush and Larry Sloman, the authors of the latest significant biography of Houdini, "The Secret Life of Houdini: The Making of America's First Superhero," have uncovered circumstantial evidence that a group of spiritualists poisoned Houdini, possibly with arsenic. I read the book, and they make a pretty compelling case, but it's speculation no matter how you slice it.

Even if Kalush and Sloman's claims are not true, how cool of a story is this? It's definitely movie material, and I have to wonder if Death Defying Acts (a soon-to-be-released Houdini film starring Catherine Zeta-Jones and Guy Pearce) will have anything nearly as entertaining to offer.

Either way, it'll be nice to finally test the theories and put the homicidal rumors to rest once and for all. Then again, this is Houdini we're talking about. There will always be a veil of mystery surrounding his life. Let's just hope that the well-known forensic pathologists on the case (Michael Baden and James Starrs) can shed some light on the circumstances surrounding his untimely death.

Ideas and Opinions

2008-05-01T08:56:00.004-04:00

Originally published on Friday, March 23, 2007

Each night before going to bed, I've been reading "Ideas and Opinions," a collection of essays by Einstein. He covers everything from relativity to religion. Here are some great quotes, the first and third of which are my absolute favorites.

"The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion which stands at the cradle of true art and true science. Whoever does not know it and can no longer wonder, no longer marvel, is as good as dead, and his eyes are dimmed."
The World As I See It, 1931

"The man who regards his own life and that of his fellow creatures as meaningless is not merely unhappy but hardly fit for life."
The Meaning of Life, 1934

"Man should not have to work for the achievement of the necessities of life to such an extent that he has neither time nor strength for personal activities."
On Freedom, 1940

"It is not enough to teach man a specialty. Through it he may become a kind of useful machine but not a harmoniously developed personality. It is essential that the student acquire an understanding of and a lively feeling for values. He must acquire a vivid sense of the beautiful and of the morally good. Otherwise he—with his specialized knowledge—more closely resembles a well-trained dog than a harmoniously developed person. He must learn to understand the motives of human beings, their illusions, and their sufferings in order to acquire a proper relationship to individual fellow-men and to the community."
Education for Independent Thought, from The New York Times, 1952

Swiping Your Right to Credit-Card Convenience

2008-05-01T05:29:00.010-04:00

Originally published on Wednesday, February 28, 2007

It's a sweltering 96 degrees outside, and the AC in your car craps out. Your destination is still about 50 miles away, but you decide to keep driving as long as you can.

After about 12 miles, you hear hissing and see white smoke rising from beneath the hood. And then nothing. The engine has stalled, forcing you to drift to the side of the road. You try to restart the car several times with no luck.

Cursing yourself for leaving the cell phone on the kitchen counter, you start hiking to the nearest pay phone, walking on the shoulder of the lonely, sun-scorched road for about 50 minutes. Good thing there's a small supermarket just around the next bend.

After using your last bit of pocket change to call AAA from the store's pay phone, you hang up and make a beeline for the cooler. You haven't had a cold drink for hours, and the thought of iced tea drenching your mouth literally puts a smile on your face.

You plunk the bottled beverage onto the checkout counter. At that moment, you remember that you don't have any cash on you, so you pull out your MasterCard.

"I'm sorry," says the cashier. "We don't accept credit-card purchases under $10."

With your head still spinning from thirst, you plead with her to make an exception in this case, saying that you've hiked in the oppressive heat and humidity for almost an hour.

"I'm sorry, but that's our policy," she says as she points to a sign that's taped to the counter. "I'd get in trouble if I didn't follow it."

So what should you do?

Smash the iced-tea bottle over the cashier's head.

Buy at least $10 worth of stuff.

Complain until the cashier or manager bends the rules.

Ask for a cup of tap water and call MasterCard customer service to complain.

Run out the door, iced tea in hand, without paying for it.

Apologetically draw back into your sweaty shell, put away the credit card, and forego the iced tea.

Your best option is D. Why? Because—now listen up, kids, because this is a dirty little fact that some cheapskate merchants don't want you to know about—a typical agreement between a merchant and a credit-card company prohibits the merchant from setting a minimum for credit-card purchases.

That's right, folks. If a merchant accepts credit cards, then they're obligated to accept your card, regardless of the purchase price. If you come across a merchant that restricts you from buying something based on the price, then inform the manager that he or she is in violation of their merchant agreement, then call your credit-card company to report the infraction.

Sure, that sounds extreme. But remember, the whole point of using credit cards is convenience. It's not up to merchants to take away that right. Although merchants have to give credit-card companies a percentage of every card transaction, I believe that most merchants factor in those costs when setting their margins. If they don't want to pay the fees, then they shouldn't accept credit cards to begin with. It's that simple.

So next time a merchant refuses to let you use your credit card, take a stand. Merchants have no right to strong-arm you into buying something that you don't need simply to meet their minimum purchase price. It's all about principle, so don't be bullied.

Copperfield Rips on Honus Wagner

2008-05-01T05:19:00.003-04:00

Originally published on Tuesday, February 27, 2007

You might have read about the Honus Wagner baseball card that recently sold for $2.35 million (story). Apparently, only about 60 of these cards exist, and even one in tattered condition can fetch major cash.

According to Brian Seigel, the former owner of this particular card and CEO of Emerald Capital LLC, you could leave the card "in the middle of the street and let cars drive over it through the day, take it in your hand and crumple it up, and it still would be a $100,000 card."

That said, I wonder what its value would be if you creased it into fourths and tore it into four pieces. That's exactly what David Copperfield did during one of his TV specials. Of course, he magically restored it, and it wasn't an original card, but the visual nature of the trick itself is awesome.

If you haven't seen Copperfield perform this excellent illusion, click here to go directly to the YouTube page where the same video is featured.

Lovers of Valdaro

2008-05-01T05:01:00.003-04:00

Originally published on Monday, February 12, 2007

For those who think that most men don't like to cuddle, check out this story.

Elena Menotti and her team of archaeologists unearthed a pair of human skeletons that have embraced each other for about 5,000 years—the first time a Neolithic couple has been found in such a position, according to Menotti. This find took place just outside of Mantua, Italy, not too far from Verona, the city featured in "Romeo and Juliet."

Although scientists cannot yet prove that the skeletons were star-crossed lovers, it makes for excellent Valentine's Day chitchat—possibly humanity's oldest story of doomed love (not including the story about my first girlfriend and me).

Looking at the picture to the right—at least as I see it—reinforces the fact that love is the only thing that matters in life (besides instinctual self-preservation). From romantic love, to family love, to true friendship, nothing more effectively connects us to each other, regardless of what technological changes take place around us. So drop the mouse and cell phone and really try to connect with someone this Valentine's Day and every day.

Bulb Ban Not a Bright Idea

2008-05-01T04:45:00.003-04:00

Originally published on Friday, February 09, 2007

How many dimwit lawmakers does it take to change a light bulb?

So far, two: Assemblymen Lloyd Levine (CA) and Larry Chatzidakis (NJ).

If you don't already know the story, Levine, whose filament is obviously defective, says he's going to propose a bill to ban the use of incandescent bulbs in California.

And Chatzidakis, not surprisingly a Republican, yesterday introduced a bill that would require all government buildings in New Jersey to switch to fluorescent lighting over the next three years.

Aside from the fact that Edison himself lived and invented in New Jersey for most of his life, doing away with the incandescent bulb there or in California is just a bad idea.

Sure, the fluorescent bulb uses less energy, but it has no soul. It literally sucks the life force from every breathing creature under its ghoulish glow. If you don't already spend most of your days in a comatose, fluorescent-filled corporate cubicle farm, then check out the office scenes at the beginning of "Joe Versus the Volcano," and you'll begin to see what I'm talking about.

While there are no conclusive studies showing that fluorescent lights are dangerous over the long term, there's no evidence to support the contrary. And they're just plain ugly. Besides, aren't there more pressing energy issues to worry about, such as the world's reliance on petroleum?

In short, Levine and Chatzidakis are each a half joule short of a watt. So to everyone out there who enjoys working and living under the cozy glow of incandescence, let's hope that both of their bills burn out.

Global Warming Mayhem by Year 2100?

2008-05-01T04:29:00.005-04:00

Originally published on Friday, February 02, 2007

Global Warming Mayhem by Year 2100?

According to the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, global warming—"an increase in greenhouse gases...dominated by human activities"—is irreversible, regardless of what we do to reduce pollution (USA Today Story).

In other words, it seems that we humans have basically bumped the earth out of balance by burning fossil fuels for so long that, over the next century, we'll have to adapt to a new world with "fewer cold days, hotter nights, killer heat waves, floods and heavy rains, devastating droughts, and an increase in hurricane and tropical storm strength."

The Panel's report estimates a rise in temperatures of 3.2 to 7.1 degrees Fahrenheit by the year 2100. True, you and I probably won't be alive by then, but think about the ramifications. The earth is steadily increasing in population, thanks to couples who want to make babies for purely selfish reasons (to have a possession, to create an extension of themselves) or who are just careless when it comes to birth control.

So, in short, if the Panel's findings are accurate, mayhem will prevail on an overcrowded earth as humans try to coexist in increasingly turbulent climates—all because we're inherently stupid, selfish, spoiled animals.

Have we really damaged the earth as much as some people seem to think? Read the USA Today article, then check out JunkScience for an opposing point of view.

Fortuitous

2008-05-01T04:04:00.007-04:00

Originally published on Saturday, January 20, 2007

How lucky women are for being the pursued sex. If, for only one moment in time, this natural phenomenon were reversed, and men were the ones in demand, making all the choices, every female in existence would be driven to madness.

ChechoSLOWvakians

2008-05-01T03:39:00.013-04:00

Originally published on Friday, January 19, 2007

If you read my January 17 blog, Rushin' Blood, then you know how I feel about bumper-hugging drivers who just can't seem to go fast enough. So what about the other extreme? To me, slow drivers are even more frustrating. Now, before you say, "Tom, you think everyone is a bad driver," please hear me out.

Everyone is a bad driver. Just kidding.

The fact of the matter is this: Super-fast drivers and exceedingly slow ones inspire road rage and set the stage for needless near misses, fender-benders, and serious accidents. The fast drivers are just adrenaline-charged people racing against imaginary competitors. But the slow ones—especially the people who drive at least 5 mph below the speed limit in the left lane—are a truly selfish breed that tests the endurance of even the most patient commuters.

Do you know what thought process must take place in the head of the average lane jammer? You guessed it. There is no thought process or even a hint of awareness that other drivers are present. These slowpokes honestly believe that the complex infrastructure of highways and side roads exists just for them.

There are a number of reasons why people are so oblivious. Some folks are just plain stupid. Honestly, how did they pass their driving tests? They're lucky they can even walk and talk, let alone drive a one-and-a-half-ton piece of machinery. Others are too easily distracted. These are the people who approach intersections at a snail's pace, stop about 20 feet before a red light, and don't go when it turns green because they're focusing on some crucial project, such as cleaning out the glove box or stapling a report together before they get to work. And then you have those who are DUI or who are 95-plus years old and shouldn't be on the road to begin with, especially during rush hour. Of course, there are many more reasons, but they're certainly not worth covering here.

The moral of the story is this: No matter where you drive, any time day or night, there will always be inconsiderate road hogs underfoot. If you get easily frustrated by this, then you're not alone. But keep in mind that you have a choice as to how you respond to them. There are two possible scenarios: 1. They do something stupid and inconsiderate, and you have a fit, which unnecessarily stresses the mind and body. 2. They do something stupid and inconsiderate, and you mindfully take a deep, relaxing, breath and focus on driving as safely as you can. Believe me, number 2 is a much better choice.

Rushin’ Blood

2008-05-01T03:08:00.008-04:00

Originally published on Tuesday, January 16, 2007

In a rush to get to work? Me, either. Yet, almost every morning during my commute on Rt. 65 into town, I have some hurried corporate freak who insists on riding my bumper, regardless of which lane I'm in. Often in an SUV, swerving as he takes a sip from his cappuccino travel mug, he would give up one of his middle fingers (a big sacrifice) to be able to drive through me if he could.

Now keep in mind, I'm not one of those slugs who drives 10 mph below the speed limit in the left lane. Not even close. If anything, I drive too fast. And when I'm in a slow mode, I stay to the right. But there's always that ever-present person attached to my bumper, waiting for the slightest gap to open up next to him so he can barely squeeze through to change lanes (without signaling, of course), pass me, and do the same thing to anyone else who happens to be driving slower than 75 mph.

My only question: What's the big damn rush? Is he on his way to claim millions of dollars worth of lottery winnings? Is his wife in violent labor? Did his son threaten to jump off the PPG building? Or does he just love his job that much? I doubt that any of the previous scenarios are true. It's more likely that he suffers from the Me-First Syndrome, satisfying his adrenaline-fueled primal need to beat out the competition in a race that is taking place only in his mind.

If you know anyone who's like this, tell them to check out the National Safety Council's web page on Driver Safety. It might not do any good because they probably think they're a great driver, but it's worth a try. In the mean time, I'll continue to enjoy my morning commute until someone nails my car and puts me in the hospital.

Let the Transfer Begin

2008-04-30T20:22:00.001-04:00

To get this new baby crawling a bit faster, I'm going to transfer several blogs I wrote last year on MySpace. I don't have anything against that site, but their blogging system kind of stinks. In any event, stay tuned for more.

Follywhat?

2008-04-30T18:45:00.004-04:00

Welcome to the Follybuster weblog, located at www.follybuster.com.

So, what the heck is a Follybuster, anyway? A Follybuster is anyone who publicly debunks a majority point of view that rewards conformity, perpetuates ignorance, disregards critical thinking, and supports overall foolishness.

Yes, I consider myself to be a Follybuster. As such, I hope to educate, enlighten, inspire, or at least provide food for thought about topics relating to (in no particular order) current events, movies, consumerism, work-life balance, relationships, paranormal claptrap, magic, entertainment, anthropology, philosophy, space, education, religion, ethics, legislation, politics, and anything else that moves me.

To clarify, I don't claim to be an expert on any of these topics (okay, maybe magic), but I will say this: I have a good eye for seeing through nonsense and am not afraid to express my opinion (hats off to freedom of speech). So you stand warned.

I welcome all comments, even if you vehemently disagree with me. However, please resist the urge to call me names or swear at me. If you have something worthy to say, then say it. But I'll delete comments left for the sole purpose of insulting me.

How's that for setting a lighthearted tone?